The Personal Side of Gay Relationships...

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How's your relationship with yourself? It has to be good if you want to be in a good marriage because when you're in a straight marriage, you better have good self-esteem and a good relationship with yourself. In a gay marriage you must be stronger because of the internal dynamics and external issues from the outside world. In any type but more especially in a gay marriage you need communication and listening skills, you need to be able to deal with yourself and your partner's ego, you must know how to give without giving too much, you must know how to draw the line on issues, how to be less defensive, know how to deal with school and health systems etc. to have a wholesome and healthy relationship.

The best case scenario for a relationship is mature love. What's mature love? It is ultimately being the self-responsible partner who possesses the following:  
1. The acceptance of you and your partner's weakness and strengths.

2. Enlightenment on gender roles
3. The understanding and willingness to participate in the accompanying sacrifices of a relationship.
4. Good management of negative emotions
5. Understanding trust is a foundation of a relationship and being trusting and trustworthy.
6. Being proactive not reactive to issues and emotions.
7. Delaying gratification for the greater good.  
The politics not the personal side of gay marriage is often discussed. Is it important to define your differences or blend them and become one?
Our guests are 34 year old Tikila and 39 year old Nikki who was married and has two children Christopher and Trevion from a previous marriage. 15 year old Christopher is with us on the show today. .
.How did you meet?
We met 20 years ago and started as friends. We were friends first. 7 years ago we began a relationship. Then last year we got married and celebrated our one year anniversary last Sunday. Nikki was clear about being gay, but not about coming out. I've always been clear of my sexual preference since middle school and beginning of high school. People usually know but go along with other people’s expectations of them. Tikila was married to a man 13 years ago. I got married to save face, because that's what was expected of me especially by my mom, family and friends. Nikki was raised in a Christian family that had her in a box. My grandfather was a reverend. Tikila was the only one I was comfortable with because of the support she gave me. I needed that to be able to be comfortable in my own skin. This was 7 years ago, and I became more comfortable with my mum and family and could come out . Then I could bring her around my family, which was scary because of our strict and religious upbringing that I wanted to uphold and not feel like I was brining the family down..
.Why did you decide to get married when in many states it's not legal? What's it like to integrate into society as a gay married couple? Why not just stay as two people in love relationship? Why do they need marriage and tamper with the marriage institution?
The same reasons heterosexual couples get married. Once you fall in love, date, learn about each other and grow, what's next? It is marriage, which is a part of life that's supposed to happen because you're raising children together, living together etc. Marriage completes the union. It gives us legal rights like health decisions in the hospital as next of kin and the ability to receive health insurance from the other person's job.
What is it like post marriage in a gay relationship? Does it work out better? Does society like it? How do you raise kids? How do you integrate into school and health systems? How are you introduced or how do you introduce yourselves to people? What's it like for your children?
What did you have to take care of when you got married? How did you introduce the kids to your union?
As for my kids, Christopher was 5 when I divorced my husband and Trey was younger. They were always aware of my lifestyle. When Nikki came into the picture, I let them meet her right away and I wanted them to be comfortable around each other because I knew she was the one. 

How did you introduce them to her?

I just said, "This is Ms. Nikki." They were too young for me to say this is my girlfriend or life partner.  
You are now 15 years old right. How was it for you, Christopher?
I kind of always knew she was more than just a friend based on instincts. i didn't care about what other people thought. At school everyone knew because she volunteers at the school and everyone knew she was a lesbian so I didn't go through many changes.
Is that based on how you raised him? He has a lot of confidence.
He doesn't know anything else because he's never seen me with a man other than his father. HIs norm is to see me with a woman because it was done when he was young as opposed to if I just did it now. .
.In the Washington Post, a gay couple with 2 sets of children from previous relationships discussed the challenges faced at schools, PTA nights, working with teachers and all the other stuff they face.
Do you get reactions from people in the community? It's complicated. What are the pros and cons? How do you blend families and kids from previous relationships? When compared with straight marriages, there must be more issues because in addition to the struggles of a normal relationship they must keep up with the external factors to the relationship as well because there are issues with the community and everywhere you go.
Being a feminine lesbian, I don't carry my being a lesbian on my sleeves. I wear makeup, dresses etc. But with Tikila they pick up that she's a lesbian more. That's why feminine lesbians wear something to show they are in the lifestyle because people don't normally know. It's the same for a very masculine representation where a masculine looking person wouldn't be deemed gay as well. It's also about being comfortable with your orientation as opposed to a gay orientation and processing that takes time.
Caller: it's their life. They can live it as they want to. I commend her for how she raised her son because of the confidence he displayed. People are who they are and they have every right to live that way. They are doing a wonderful job raising him.
Caller: I'm Avon and I'm also a lesbian. My partner and I are 4 months pregnant. How do you deal with parents with sleep overs etc?
Guests: We have been lucky by not having issues with parents because Tikila is proactive with getting to know the parents before the kids come over. I have never had some parents say they don't want their kids over at our house. They know us. It's how we show up and how we act, so they show up and act with respect. Also in our house there's discipline, and rules and regulations.
Christopher, do you feel you have two mothers? Or this is all you? Is it different?
When Ms. Nikki came around, she stayed around, so that's what I know. She's Ms. Nikki, she's always going to be the strict one.
It may be like having two mums. He gets it from both of us. Tikila has her structure, but Ms. Nikki is the tough one. She is the stern one. I punish them, but it doesn't last.
Caller: I lost my identity being in a lesbian relationship because I was submissive. It was my first relationship and I wasn't sure if she should take control of the household. She just wanted me to be quiet and go along with it and I allowed it because it was my first gay relationship.
Guests: I begged her to stay home and take care of the kids and I'll work. She said I can't do this. I can't change her, she's her own person. I tried that and it worked for a short time. I noticed I was vacuuming and making designs with the vacuum cleaner. and that's when I knew I had to get out of the house. What advice do you have for her? Know who you are. Stand strong and carry that knowing in any relationship because you can get lost in relationships. It came a point that I had to regain my own identity.

Relationships draw you in and you can easily lose you. The stronger your identity, the stronger your self-esteem, the better you are able to manage the mature love list. If that's unbalanced, you become what the other person wants you to be. Work on developing self. Don't always blame the other person because it may be you wanting to please the other person so much that you lose yourself, so it's not their always their fault. 
You must have mature love in any gay or straight relationship, which starts with you being a mature person, being able to handle situations and your ego instead of imposing your ego on others. It's all about communication, listening, apologizing, and not over criticizing others. That's what mature people do.
Pastor Samuel of Victory of the World Church in Georgia.
Do you endorse gay marriage?
I'm here to support family, which comes in different formations like disciples, apostles also were in families. My responsibility is to encourage people to love responsibly with a sense of maturity and I support them to do so. Family is key. Love comes in many different forms as long as we have two people who are responsible they should be supported because we need the family unit to make it in any society.
Selective scripture reading is what causes some preachers to preach against it. Eating bacon, mixing fabrics like polyester are also in Leviticus as what shouldn't be done, but the “don't lie with men as one lies with a woman” is all they focus on.  I don't see them going after the polyester companies. So they emphasize on some things not others. Even Jesus was accused of the same thing. We have many gay couples in my church.

Many of our children are in jails because of no family support. 99% of the kids in the juvenile criminal system have no adequate family support. There's often neglect and abuse and when you talk them, you see who will and won't become a repeat offender. Even with HIV and AIDS, black preachers practice selective theology. It is amazing how they categorize some things as ungodly and many things they do fall on the side of biblical rhetoric rather than saving lives by promoting healthy relationships.
In African American communities we don't discuss same sex relationships because historically it's been a taboo that's carried over time. It's a sacred cow that causes loss of members in the church just like money and sexism. There's no challenge to patriarchy in the church that dictates perceptions and what’s preached. When enough LGBT and their allies stand up and protest, then pastors will understand that their words are not blind condemnations. They need to know that people are affected by it. So next time the pastor comes up with an Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve sermon, he will think twice about it. 
Source: The Audrey Chapman ShowGuests: Nikki, Tikila, Christopher & Reverend SamuelBroadcast date: 04/28/12